Wise Speech: Practicing Mindful Communication

Wise speech, or right speech, is an important part of the Buddhist path. It’s also a practice I think can benefit any of us, regardless of our adherance to any religion or philosophy. One thing I love about the practice of wise speech is how pragmatic it is. I find that almost anyone can begin to tune into this aspect of their being and find some room for growth.

What is Wise Speech?

As part of the Buddhist path, wise speech is one factor of the Noble Eightfold Path. Together with the other factors, it is taught as the way to bring an end to suffering. As a layperson and someone who works with individuals and couples living out in the world, it’s an important practice that can really shape our interactions and experiences in the world.

The Buddha spoke about wise speech quite a bit. He mentioned to “abstain from lying, from divisive speech, from abusive speech, and from idle chatter” (SN 45.8), to speak “at the right time, in truth, affectionately, beneficially, and with good-will” (AN 5.198), and to speak with words that “would not torment oneself nor harm others.” (Thag 21)

These are just a few guidelines to consider. The core of wise speech is to speak in a way that is beneficial and not harmful to others. Sure, we sometimes have to say something difficult or uncomfortable. Maybe we have to set a boundary. However, we can always strive to speak with kindness and mindfulness. Our words have the power to impact ourselves and others, and should be treated with care. Investigating wise speech is one of the best ways to be mindful of others, and a powerful way to investigate our interdependence with the world around us.

Ways to Practice Wise Speech

Even without the guidelines from Buddhism, we generally know what is wise and what is not. Where the struggle lies is in actually adapting our speech. Let’s take a look at a few ways you can actively work to improve your speech. I encourage you to take a look at these during your daily life. You might focus on one and see if you can really improve your practice.

Avoid Idle Chatter

Idle chatter is a guideline offered that I personally find very difficult. At its simplest, idle chatter is speech that doesn’t really serve a purpose. This direction is aimed more at the monastic community than the lay community, but I think it can offer some powerful insight into the reasons we speak and how we do so.

Why do you talk? Are you bored, uncomfortable, or avoiding something? Sometimes when I go to a birthday party for one of my kids, I find myself standing in silence and wonder if I am being awkward (I probably am). I strive to talk with someone and engage in idle chatter with the simple goal of not looking weird! However, we can also flip this and engage with others with a more wholesome intent like getting to know someone or building connection.

In my experience as a layperson, the key here is shifting the perspective. When you’re checking out at the grocery store, the idle chatter with the person working the register can switch from pointless chatter to expressing kindness and warmth. Notice the places in your day you talk without purpose, and see if you can mindfully bring purpose to those conversations.

Speak Truth

On to a more pragmatic one. Speak with honesty and speak truth. This one is fairly straightforward. Don’t lie. This is also one of the five precepts, or training rules in Buddhism. When we are honest, we invite more vulnerability, intimacy, and safety. My experience is that when we lie, we create spaces between ourselves and others. The more we lie, the more we suspect others might be lying to us as well.

The big lies or moments of dishonesty are often obvious and easy to work with. Where this becomes a real practice in my experience is in the little lies, the white lies, or the lies by omission. Think about when you’re struggling a bit, and someone asks how you’re doing. You might say “good” or “fine.” Instead, be a little more honest. You might not want to get into it with that person but you can offer something like “I’m struggling a little, but getting through it!”

I’ve told this story a few times on our podcast, but it’s a good example. I cut someone off a few months ago driving and he was very upset with me. It was right in front of our house, and he drove by on his scooter screaming and revving his engine a few times. I went outside and apologized. As he continued to yell at me, I calmly explained I just didn’t look over my shoulder and had a surfboard in the car blocking my view a bit. I was being a bit lazy and did not mean to cause him fear. My apology didn’t necessarily land in that moment, but I believe it’s the best way to handle those moments. Instead of lying and making up an excuse, yelling back at the person, or anything of that sort, I honestly took accountability and explained what happened. This helped me walk away from the situation without more guilt or rumination.

Speak with Kindness

I’m not going to go over what the word kindness means, but I think we can interpret this general guideline of wise speech as speaking in a way that takes into account the experience of others. The Buddha’s suggestion is to speak without bringing evils to others. This is perhaps a bit esoteric in its phrasing, but I think it goes well with the above suggestion to abstain from “divisive speech” as well.

For me in my practice, I check in to see if my speech is divisive or connecting, helpful or hurtful. In general, we can practice this by lifting others up. If you like someone’s shirt, let them know! If you appreciate the service someone offers you, let them know! Try to do so without falling into platitudes. Be sincere. Again, my mantra here is “lift others up.”

When it comes to difficult conversations, kind speech can be harder. We definitely can benefit from learning to respond rather than react, and taking a pause before speaking (more on this in a moment). I currently have two children ages 3 and 5. Sometimes I have to let them know a behavior is not okay or unsafe. Sometimes I have to have “arguments” with a little being that clearly lacks the logical thinking adults have. And I grow frustrated. In these moments, my goal is always to get a message across int he most kind and useful way possible. Yes, sometimes we have to be firm, but that doesn’t mean we have to call someone names, be condescending, dismiss emotional experiences, etc.

One thing that really helps with kind speech is practice loving-kindness meditation. There are many benefits of loving-kindness, and speaking with more wisdom is certainly one of them in my experience. One of the suggestions in Buddhism is to speak with good-will. This means to speak with the other person’s wellbeing in mind. Even when being firm or saying something that may not be agreeable, we can do so with kindness and their wellbeing in mind.

Be Timely

Timeliness is one that can cause a lot of harm or a lot of joy. When we have something to say, we can pause and consider if it’s the right time. Timing our speech can make a world of impact. If we say something at the wrong time, it may be dismissed completely. Even worse, it may trigger someone or make the situation more painful for everyone involved.

For example, let’s say you don’t feel like you’re heard in your relationship. You want to have a conversation with your partner. If you have this conversation after you (or they) have had a long day at work or with the family, it may not be productive. Instead, you might set aside time to have this conversation. Find a time in which you both can be fully present for the conversation.

I had a friend when I first started going to Buddhist recovery meetings back in 2010 that offered me something I still use to this day. This friend, Anthony, would ask me when I was upset if I wanted a solution or just wanted to vent. It was a simple thing he asked, but so impactful. Sometimes we just want to vent when we’re upset. Offering a solution can feel annoying, overwhelming, or even boring. Often, I would vent, then ask for his thoughts later or the next day. Rather than guessing at the timeliness of his speech, he asked me explicitly and it was incredibly beneficial for both me and our relationship.

Don’t Talk About Those Not Present

This is another suggestion that is generally offered toward the monastic community, but I think is useful to laypeople as well. Starting with the obvious, we can avoid speaking ill of others who are not around. This can be hard at times when others are doing it, but with practice we can find our way with this. I have someone in my life who seems to love to talk smack when they’re bored. I have had a hard time cutting it off for years, but finally figured out what works for me with that individual. I simply counter with something positive about the person and it seems to take the steam out of it for them.

On the other hand, we can also avoid gossiping or talking about people even in a positive light. Yes, it may not seem harmful to discuss with friends that another mutual friend found some happiness or had a pleasant experience. But what’s better than that is actually talking to the person ourselves.

A few years ago I was talking to a close friend about hsi son who had been struggling with addiction for years. He had just gotten sober the year before and was doing really well. He had a job, found a place to live with roommates he liked, and was generally finding more happiness and ease than he had found in years. I called this friend and asked how his son was doing and he said to me, “You have his number. Call him yourself.” It was a little snarky, but the wisdom was there. Instead of talking ABOUT him, I picked up the phone and talked TO him.

Allow Space for Others

Next, we can allow space for others. Sure, this isn’t exactly speech, but the lack of speech is a form of wise speech in a way. In Thich Nhat Hanh’s book The Heart of the Buddha’s Teaching, he spends several pages in the section on Wise Speech talking about mindful listening. Making space for others and listening mindfully is a powerful practice. It’s a core part of mindfulness activities for couples, and can lead to deeper connection and understanding.

We also don’t want to be the person who takes up all the space in a room. We’ve all had that experience of being somewhere and there’s someone who doesn’t really leave room for others to talk. Or perhaps you are sharing about a difficulty you’re having and the other person just shares about themselves. Just as the quality of our speech is a factor of wise speech, so is the quantity.

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