We often think of mindfulness or meditation as a rather personal activity or cultivation. It’s something we do privately in our own meditation periods. Although this is true and absolutely is a beneficial practice, there are many ways to bring more mindfulness to your relationship. Before we get into the mindfulness activities for couples, I want to share a bit about the benefits of practicing mindfulness together. At the bottom of this post I share a bit of my own experience practicing with my partner as well.

The Benefits of Practicing Mindfulness with Your Partner

Although meditation or mindfulness is something we generally take on ourselves in our personal lives, there are many benefits to practicing with a partner. You can connect more effectively, learn to understand each other deeply, and share in the intimacy and vulnerability of practicing together.

In my own relationship and when working with couples/students, I’ve found that practicing mindfulness with a partner can do perhaps one of the most important things in a relationship: improve communication. In my experience, many relationship issues, big or small, stem from a lack of communication and understanding. Practicing mindfulness as a couple means an increased level of vulnerability, communication, and understanding. It also supports me in responding rather than reacting when having difficult conversations.

So let’s look at the actual research. If you’re not convinced, here are a few studies that are relevant to mindfulness in romantic relationships:

On the Association Between Mindfulness and Romantic Relationship Satisfaction: the Role of Partner Acceptance, Kappen et. al 2018 - Three studies that found that mindfulness increased partner acceptance and two out of the three studies found that mindfulness practice was positively related to overrall relationship satisfaction.
The Role and Effect of Mindfulness in Intimate Relationships, Mazyar Karandish, 2019 - This study found that mindfulness interventions improved conflict resolution and emotional relgulation in couples.
Mindfulness and the Quality of Romantic Relationships: Is it All about Well-Being? Peter M. Foster, 2017 - This study looked at the relationship of mindfulness, relationship satisfaction, and overrall life satisfaction. It found that mindfulness practice was correlated with both relationship satisfaction and life satisfaction. When they controlled for life satisfaction, they found that mindfulness actually increased life satisfaction, which was the big correlation with relationship satsifaction.
Mindfulness-Based Relationship Enhancement, Carson et. al, 2004 - This study found that novel mindfulness interventions were associated with higher relationship satisfaction, personal autonomy, relatedness, closeness, and acceptance of one another. It found these benefits to be maintained at the 3 month follow-up.

Mindfulness Exercises for Couples

These are all practices we have done ourselves and found useful in our relationship. We’ve tried a lot and there are many different exercises you can investigate, but these are my five favorite activities. So let’s get into the actual mindfulness exercise for couples.

1. Beginning Anew: Mindful Reflection

This is hands-down my favorite way to practice mindfulness with my partner. This practice comes from Plum Village, Thich Nhat Hanh’s monastery and tradition. It’s called Beginning Anew, and it’s a lovely structured way to check in with each other.

Beginning Anew is a relatively simple practice. We personally start with a short 5 minute meditation just to ground/center ourselves, but this is absolutely not necessary for this mindfulness activity. We do this at home, after the kids are down and we eat dinner. In the podcast mentioned below, they do it at a coffee shop. Here is how it’s done:

Choose which one of you will speak first, and which one of you will listen.
Begin with the first step: Sharing Appreciation. The partner speaking first will share anything they appreciate about the other, going as in-depth as they would like. There’s no time limit, and the other partner’s task is to simply listen. There’s no need to respond, react, or discuss.
With the same step, the other partner can share what they appreciate about the other. As we do this every week in our relationship, we specifically try to share things we appreciated this week.
Move on to the second step: Expressing Regret. In this step, you share with the other person any regrets you have regarding things you did (or didn’t do) or said (or didn’t say) this week. We sometimes also include general qualities/habits, such as regretting my anger sometimes gets in the way of my relationship with the children. Again, one partner’s job is to be vulnerable and honest, while the other’s is to listen mindfully. When completed, switch roles and allow the other partner to share their regrets.
On to the third step: Expressing Hurt. This one can be hard, but so beneficial in relationships. You can express times or experiences in which you felt hurt, making sure to use mindful and loving speech. We’re not beating the other person up; we’re expressing where we felt hurt. Again, once you have finished, you switch roles.

This is my favorite mindfulness activity for couples because I find it so healing, vulnerable, and beneficial. It keeps resentments from simmering under the surface, it allows couples to see each other clearly, and we often learn something about each other. It’s hard sometimes, for sure, but incredibly fulfilling and connecting.

We actually end with a fourth step that’s not included in the traditional teaching. We alternate every week who goes first. Whoever goes first is in charge of thinking of a fourth question/prompt that is a bit more light. We do this to end it with joy rather than ending with the hurt and carrying that on. Examples we’ve used are things like “What is a hope you have for us in the future?” or “Describe your happy place to me.” This way, you end the couples mindfulness activity on a happy and more gentle note.

You can find Plum Village’s book on Beginning Anew here, or check out the video below to listen to the episode of The Way Out is In in which they discuss this practice and offer insights.

2. Loving-Kindness Meditation

You may already be familiar with metta, or loving-kindness meditation. Although not a strict mindfulness practice, it is related. We generally do loving-kindness practice alone in meditation with our eyes closed, offering wishes of wellbeing to ourselvs and to others. However, this is a practice that lends itself super well to couples. Loving-kindness practice helps encourage gentleness, kindness, and general wishes of wellbeing for our partners.

So to do this loving-kindness exercise as a couple, I recommend you sit facing one another. It may be on the floor, on a meditation cushion, on chairs, on a coach, etc. Whatever works for you two! Ideally you can look each other in the eyes while doing this practice. Just a warning, this is truly a couples meditation practice! Before starting, decide who will speak first. Here are the steps:

Begin by closing your eyes for a few moments/minutes, whatever you decide with your partner. If you have a way you settle during meditation periods, go ahead and do that. If not, you may try taking some mindful breaths, doing a quick body scan, or offering some loving-kindness phrases to yourself in your head. This is just to settle and arrive in the present moment.
When you are ready, the partner who is speaking first can begin offering loving-kindness phrases toward themselves out loud. The other partner remains silent, offering the same loving-kindness phrases toward their partner in the third person. For example, the first partner may say out loud, “May I be at ease.” And the second partner silently in their head offers the phrase “May you be at ease.” Continue like this for a few minutes. Here are some common loving-kindness phrases you can use:
1. May I be at ease.
2. May I be happy.
3. May I be safe.
4. May I be free from danger.
5. May I love myself.
After a few minutes, switch roles. The other partner can then offer whichever loving-kindness phrases they wish out loud to themselves, while the other silently offers the phrases in their head.
Next, allow the eyes to open, looking at each other. It may be uncomfortable and you may be tempted to laugh (and you may give into that temptation!). It’s okay. Whatever comes up, comes up. Just be mindful and present with whatever is happening. Partner One can begin offering loving-kindness phrases to Partner Two. For example, you may offer the phrase “May you be at ease.” Partner Two’s job is just to take it in and receive the wish of wellbeing. There’s no need to respond or repeat.
When ready, you can switch roles and Partner Two can offer loving-kindness to Partner One out loud!
Finally, go back and forth wishing well for you two together. You may offer something like “May we be happy.” Then the other partner may offer the same phrase or a new one. There are no rules here! Just go back and forth and try to connect with what is real to you in this moment.

That’s it! It can be a bit intense. Sometimes it may be hard to connect with the feelings of metta toward yourself or your partner. Like the previous exercise, this is a meditation activity for couples that we actually do quite regularly as we find it helps us connect with our love for one another.

3. Journaling: Gratitude, Hopes, Regrets

Next, we have a mindfulness activity for couples that isn’t quite as meditation-related. It’s still meditative, but this is an activity that is a bit more personal. You may know I am a big fan of journaling in general as it relates to mindfulness practice. My second book was A Mindfulness for Beginners Journal after all!

One of the great things about this mindfulness exercise for couples is that you can really make it your own. Every relationship is a bit different, and you can mold this one to fit your relationship. For this activity, all you need is a journal or some paper and something to write with.

Whatever topics or prompts you choose, they should be the same for each partner. Set aside some time, maybe 5-10 minutes for each of you to do your journaling. Answer the prompts privately, without the help or any pressure from your partner. Doing this alone gives you a bit more opportunity to really investigate within yourself. I recommend doing the journaling portion in different rooms if you’re able, or at least not facing one another. As you write, try to really tune into your experience, be mindful, and dig as deep as you’re able.

When you have completed the time set aside, you may share your thoughts with each other. If you’re comfortable doing so, I recommend reading it to your partner out loud. This may be daunting, especially if you are at the beginning of your journey of mindfulness together. No worries! Instead, exchange journals/papers to allow the other person to read to themselves.

On to the prompts. You can use just one each time or several, and you can certainly make up your own. For each prompt you can write a few bullet points, a full paragraph, or whatever feels true to you.

What are you grateful for?
What is something you appreciate about your partner?
What would make this relationship more fun?
What made you sad this week?

For more ideas on prompts, we love this list from ChoosingTherapy.com.

4. Couples Mindfulness Meditation

Another meditation practice! Obviously I’m a big fan of meditation. This couples exercise really centers on external mindfulness, or being aware of somebody else’s experience rather than our own. In general mindfulness meditation, we practice bringing our awareness to our present-time experience. We observe the coming and going of thoughts, emotions, sensations, etc. With this practice we are doing the same but with our partner’s experience.

Before jumping into this couples mindfulness exercise, we should have a basic understanding of open awareness and concentration. In mindfulness meditation, we may engage at times in what is known as samatha, or concentration practice. This may be focusing on the breath or a mantra, looking at a candle, or counting mala beads. It’s a valuable form of meditation, and helps us build the ability to concentrate and direct the mind’s attention.

Another quality we cultivate is open awareness. This is a bit more non-directive. We are noticing whatever arises into our experience, and tuning into it with that concentration or focused attention. In open awareness, we are simply being aware of whatever is arising and passing in our experience. It may be a sound, smell, taste, sight, thought, emotion, physical sensation, etc. Whatever arises, we notice it. That simple (but not always easy)!

I have found that this practice really helps me cultivate external mindfulness. When we are doing this regularly, I am able to tune into my wife’s experience much more easily in daily life and be present with whatever is going on. Furthermore, it offers insight into how her mind works and what it is like to be in her mind/body. So let’s get to it:

As in exercise #2, sit at equal eye level if possible with your partner. You may wish to start with a few minutes of silent meditation with eyes closed to allow yourself to settle, but it is not entirely necessary if you don’t wish.
One partner begins first. Begin to practice open awareness out loud by simply noting one thing you are aware of. For example, you may say “thinking about dinner” or “I have an itch on my leg.” There is absolutely no wrong or right answer. Note out loud whatever is present for you.
Go back and forth with this out-loud mindfulness noting. The other partner may now note something that is present in their experience. Again, anything goes! They may note “looking at your smile” or “hearing a car passing by outside.”

That’s it! It is a relatively simple and straightforward mindfulness meditation out loud that you can do with your partner. When the other person is speaking, simply listen. There’s no need to respond or discuss or even acknowledge necessarily. Just recognize that your partner is having an experience and they’re sharing it. It’s okay if everything is really surface-level or silly. Whatever happens, happens. If you want to further understand the noting mindfulness practice, here’s a meditation you can try by yourself or with your partner silently.

5. Mindful Touch

The last mindfulness exercise for couples is not really a formal meditation practice, and can be rather intimate. You’re welcome to investigate this to your comfort level as a couple. The simple idea here is that we can tune into the experience of physical touch with our partner. Unsurprisingly, physical touch can benefit our health in many ways. Of course some individuals or couples will be more comfortable than others with physical touch, so make sure to be attentive to your own comfort zone and that of your partner.

You can set aside time to do this, or do it more freely throughout your day if you wish. To start, I recommend setting aside some time to investigate with mindfulness the experience of physical touch. Here are a few things you may try. As you do these things, you can silently tune in to the experience you’re having. If you wish, you may express with your partner during or after anything you wish!

Hold hands
Hug
Hold your partner’s head in your hands
While your partner is on their back, put your hands on their feet
Hold your hand over your partner’s heart
Massage one another
Cuddle

While engaging in this activity, feel the physical sensation of skin touching, any reaction elsewhere in the body, any emotional experience, and if any thoughts arise. Be present and mindful. There is not a right or wrong response. We’re learning about ourselves and our partner, and whatever comes up comes up.

One thing that must be said here is you can indeed engage in mindful and present sex. Whatever act of intimacy it may be, you can indeed use it as a powerful mindfulness exercise. Try to move slowly and with awareness. Notice sensations, cravings, your partner’s responses/experience, and try to communicate and be present with each other.

My Experience Practicing Mindfulness in a Relationship

So those are my favorite mindfulness exercises for couples! I’ve used these in my own relationship and with many students. Some may be a better fit than others for you and your relationship, and that’s absolutely okay. No mindfulness activity is perfect for everyone. In my personal relationship, we have investigated many ways to bring mindfulness to our relationship.

When I first met my wife, Elizabeth, she did not really have any sort of meditation or mindfulness practice. We shared that we both were in recovery, and did share a sort of spirituality or path in a sense. I invited her to a Buddhist-based recovery meeting, and she came sometimes with me. I think I was pretty gentle and not pushy, but mindfulness grabbed her pretty quickly and she became interested.

We were young adults, just 21 years old, and really investigating spirituality together. Eventually we realized that the path of meditation and mindfulness was something we both connected with individually, and we could try to bring it more explicitly to our relationship. We attended a daylong meditation retreat at Against the Stream on relational mindfulness. This wasn’t strictly for couples, but more generally for mindfulness as it relates to other peoples in our lives.

We were introduced to dyads, practices like the Beginning Anew where you are mindfully speaking and listening to one another. It definitely made both of us quite uncomfortable. These mindfulness exercises for couples are not necessarily easy or comfortable at first, and that’s okay. It’s awkward, a bit silly, and can even seem cheesy at times. But we gave it a shot.

Now, over 12 years later, we continue to investigate what it means to be mindful in a relationship with compassion and loving-kindness. We have both grown individually, and as a couple. Elizabeth is a therapist with One Mind Therapy, and does work with some couples in her practice. I work one-on-one with a handful of people dealing with relationship issues, and a few couples as well. It’s a passion for both of us.

Whatever we go through, we continue with our shared mindfulness activities as a couple. We both have our own individual mindfulness practices, but we make it a point to share some together. As mentioned in the actual exercises, we do the Beginning Anew and Loving-Kindness practices nearly every week. They’ve helped us through many difficult times and through all of the good or pleasant times.

I look back at the times these couples meditations have helped us the most, and it’s been in times we needed to communicate but struggled. In 2018 we sold everything we owned and moved to Mexico. That took a lot of communication, vulnerability, and checking in. In 2023, Elizabeth has a 28cm tumor removed and underwent months of radiation in another city while I stayed home with the kids. Both scared out of our minds in a new situation, practicing mindfulness and loving-kindness together carried us through.

We had two children, and I had a vasectomy. We bought a house together. We set up a retirement account together. Those are huge decisions that took serious communication and self-investigation. With these mindfulness activities for couples, especially the continuity of Beginning Anew, we’ve been able to stay in touch with what the other is going through. We don’t always agree, and it’s not always easy. But at the very least we do our best to continue to communicate with each other, listen and see one another clearly, and be as vulnerable and open as possible.

5 Mindfulness Activites For Couples to Do Together