What is Appreciative Joy and How Do We Cultivate It?

Last week we visited family in Massachussetts. I put one of my kids down for a nap, and when I came out I found my older son sitting on the floor playing with his grandma. They were both giggling away at something, completely lost in the joy of the moment. The natural reaction of my heart and emotions was an overwhelming sense of contentment and joy for both of them.

Have you ever had the feeling of seeing someone happy like this? Then perhaps you know the sense of secondhand joy that arises. This is appreciative joy. It goes by many names: mudita in the Pali language of ancient Buddhism, fargin in Yiddish, positive empathy in psychology, and in English either appreciative joy, sympathetic joy, or empathetic joy.

What is Sympathetic Joy?

Sympathetic joy, at its simplest, is rejoicing in the joy of others. We can think of compassion as a fairly similar quality. Compassion is feeling into the pain or suffering of another. In Buddhist terms, when loving-kindness (metta) comes into contact with suffering, it becomes compassion. When loving-kindness comes into contact with joy, it becomes appreciative joy.

In Buddhism, mudita is one of the four heart practices, along with loving-kindness, compassion, and equanimity. Together, the cultivation of these practices allows us to put love and gentleness at the forefront of all interactions. In Buddhist mythology, these practices are described as a heart with four faces, each with different uses or visions, but all stemming from the heart.

With sympathetic joy, we truly rejoice in the happiness of others. We don’t just outwardly express appreciation with a “congratulations,” we actually allow the heart to feel it. As with the other heart practices, this is often easiest with those nearest to us and more difficult to conjure with the people in our lives we find difficult.

Near and Far Enemies

In the Buddhist commentaries, each of the heart practices has a near and far enemy. The far enemy is a quality which is opposite and the near enemy is one that seems similar but is actually not useful. The far enemy of mudita is jealousy or envy. It’s easy to see how this is not the ideal quality. Instead of rejoicing in the happiness of another, we crave for ourselves.

The near enemy of sympathetic joy is often modernly cited as exuberance, but the actual commentaries name attachment. When we become attached to the joy of another, we actually cause suffering. Emotional experiences are impermanent, and if we stay attached to the joy we are bound to end up with some pain.

This is an important point when it comes to appreciative joy. The instruction is not to attach ourselves to another’s joy, but to experience it with equanimity. We remained balanced, mindful, and stable, simply tuning into the joy and appreciating it without craving more or clinging to it.

The Benefits of Appreciative Joy

So, why practice appreciative joy or work to cultivate it? First, it can help us connect with others more deeply. I think about my partner, Elizabeth. Several times a week (when the sea cooperates), we head down to the beach here and go surfing. When she catches a good wave or gets a nice long ride, I’m yelling for her like she just won a competition. She paddles back with the kind of free smile on her face you might see on a young child.

By really appreciating the joy and celebrating the happiness of someone, we can tune in to their experience more deeply and be present for them. There’s a fairly famous quote from Thich Nhat Hanh that reads “The greatest gift we can offer anyone is our true presence. When mindfulness embraces those we love, they will bloom like flowers.” In order to truly be present with mindfulness for someone, we have to tune in to their joy.

Working with Envy

First, let’s talk about jealousy and envy. These are the far enemies of appreciative joy, and appreciative joy is actually named as an antidote to envy. We’ve all experienced some form of jealousy or envy in our lives, and quite simply it doesn’t feel good. We get sucked into craving and wanting, and often don’t see the underlying mechanics at play.

With appreciative joy, we can step out of this cycle of attachment and craving. Instead of coveting what someone else has, we practice opening the heart and being happy for them. When I work with people, I tend to throw in appreciative joy pretty quickly when they begin sharing some experience of envy. With a little practice, it can really transform these difficult emotions.

Appreciative Joy Research

As it relates to others and relationships, the evidence is beginning to be clear. A 2017 study found that empathy for a partner’s positive emotions was actually more beneficial to relationship quality than empathy for negative emotions. A 2015 review found that positive empathy was associated with more prosocial behavior, such as helping and supporting others.

Among teachers and healthcare workers, one study found that individuals who reported experiencing more apppreciative joy at work had less burnout and significantly higher satisfaction. Although the research is in its infancy, it is clear that this quality of the heart has great potential to impact our experience.

Short talk from 2017 on Appreciative Joy

The Brain and Appreciative Joy

The advancements in fMRI, VBM, and CTs means we are beginning to look at and understand the brain a bit more deeply. There are quite a few pieces of research that have found positive empathy (appreciative joy) lights up the same parts of the brain as compassion, or empathy for negative emotions.

A 2016 study used VBM (voxel-based morphometry) and found that positive empathy was associated with gray matter in several parts of the brain that are also responsible for emotional processing and regulation. This study found a correlation, and did not suggest positive empathy was responsible for better emotional processing or regulation, nor vice versa.

Another study in 2010 did suggest that positive empathy predicted changes in prefrontal activity in children during a pleasurable task such as playing. That is, positive empathy actually positively impacted the prefrontal cortex in children, the part of the brain responsible for regulating thoughts, action, and emotions. It is the executive part of the brain, responsible for planning, decision making, working memory, and moderating social behavior.

What Gets in the Way of Sympathetic Joy?

I could write a whole blog post or record a whole talk on what gets in the way for me personally with sympathetic joy. For now, let’s focus on some of the bigger ones. First, there is envy. We already talked about that, but just to reiterate: the presence of envy can truly block appreciative joy in the moment. By choosing sympathetic joy, we actually nudge envy out of the way.

Social class is a big one. It may be no surprise to you that people generally find it harder to be empathetic toward those who are perceived to be doing better. This is backed by research. Furthermore, those who climb the social ladder tend to lose some empathy for those who remain low in the system.

Sympathetic joy, like the other heart practices, is unifying. We open the heart to the joy when it is present (more on unwholesome joy at the bottom of this post). When we are presented with someone experiencing joy, we can use appreciative joy to bridge the gap.

Similarly, in-group biases impact empathy. We tend to feel empathy more easily for people of our same group/culture. This may be in terms of race, nationality, ethnicity, sexual orientation, gender identity, and as mentioned, income. Again, this is a call to action in my opinion. We recognize these implicit biases and work to extend the same level of appreciation for anyone’s joy, regardless of these perceived differences.

Cultivating Appreciative Joy

So, understanding a bit more about appreciative joy and what it is, how do we actually work to cultivate it? Of course, we can do so through meditation practices. I’ve also included a few practices you can use in daily life to work toward more positive empathy in your life.

Appreciative Joy Meditation

Appreciative joy meditation, or mudita meditation, is a solid way to begin cultivating this quality. In appreciative joy meditation, we practice actually bringing up the joy of another person and opening the heart. As we practice this on the meditation cushion, it comes more easily to us both in and out of meditation.

Remember that this is a practice! It’s not a competition. If you struggle a bit with it, don’t worry. If you already had perfect appreciative joy for everyone, you probably wouldn’t be reading this page or even trying the meditation (same goes for the metta meditation coming up next).

Loving-Kindness Meditation

Although metta, or loving-kindness, isn’t directly cultivating appreciative joy, I find it to be useful. As mentioned earlier, appreciative joy is really the quality of loving-kindness coming into contact with joy. So you can think of loving-kindness as a bit of a supplemental practice to your mudita, among other things!

Watch Out for Envy

Being mindful of envy is a great way to turn toward appreciative joy in your life. You don’t have to do anything special. Maybe just reading this paragraph will be enough to plant the seed in your brain. If you do an appreciative joy meditation in the morning, this practice should be a bit easier throughout the day.

As you go about your day, notice where any sense of jealousy or envy comes up. We will likely be able to identify the “big” emotional experiences of envy, but see if you can tune into any ones that are more subtle. Any time you notice a sense of jealousy or envy present, switch into appreciative joy. Offer a simple phrase in your head, like “May you be happy.”

Pay Attention to Happiness

On the more positive side of workign with this quality in daily life, notice the happiness around you! Whether you’re watching tv, walking around town, or interacting with coworkers, there are plenty of opportunities to tune into joy. You don’t have to do anything special. Just notice the joy in others and allow yourself to experience it.

I wrote this page over a couple of days, and moved my section on noticing Elizabeth’s joy while surfing from down here up to the top because it felt more personal and appropriate to lead with. The story I had up there was about watching soccer…

When I watch a final of a soccer match, I watch until the end. Watching a bunch of grown adults lift a trophy with fireworks going off and huge smiles across their face is just lovely. People sometimes make fun of me for my need to watch that part of the broadcast, but I really find it to be a practice in appreciative joy!

Responding to Unwholesome Joy

Finally, let’s talk about a difficult part of appreciative joy. Let’s say someone is super happy because they just did one of their favorite things: stealing a car. They’re going to sell it and have money to feed their family, and they’re amped about it. What is the appropriate response here? To feel appreciative joy?

That’s a bit of a dramatic example. What about the person who is happy because they are engaging in craving and clinging? Before I got sober, I was so happy when I found a dealer with my drug and got it delivered.

Some people say that we should only extend mudita to wholesome joy, but that leaves us with a bit of a judgemental mind. Some say it should extend to all joy, but that leaves us celebrating some unwholesome forms of joy.

In my experience and opinion after reading and studying the Buddhist suttas and talking to teachers, the task is to open the heart to ALL joy. Yes, including the person who stole a car, and including the drug addict who just scored. We are not endorsing any behavior, we are just working to open the heart to joy.

Together with joy in these cases, we might also extend some compassion. That’s right, some situations call for compassion and appreciative joy hand-in-hand! In my opinion, that’s the piece that’s often missed. We can appreciate and recognize the joy of the person stealing the car, while also feeling compassion for their situation and the harm they’re causing to themselves and others

As always, if you have any questions, reach out. You can reach me at Matthew@TheMindfulCounselor.me with any questions, or use the contact page of the website.