Don’t React, Respond: Creating a Conscious Choice
“Through the sacred art of pausing, we develop the capacity to stop hiding, to stop running away from our experience. We begin to trust in our natural intelligence, in our naturally wise heart, in our capacity to open to whatever arises.”
We all spend a significant amount of our lives simply reacting to experience. We move from one thing to the next on a bit of autopilot. This may not always be harmful, but in some cases we may find ourselves reacting in a way that causes harm to ourselves or others, or simply makes a situation worse.
The first step in working with our reactions is certainly to recognize that there is an issue present that could use some attention. Once we begin to recognize how our reactions are causing harm, we can start on the journey of working with the reactions and explore ways to respond with more patience, mindfulness, and control.
Responding vs Reacting
I think it's important to investigate what exactly is happening when we react rather than respond. That is, what is causing a reaction rather than a mindful response? Generally when we react there is a strong emotional response occuring. This may be due to a number of emotions arising such as hurt, fear, or anger. When we experience these difficult emotions, we may feel like we lose the ability to choose our responses at times.
When something happens, the process is that we receive the stimulus, we have some sort of emotional experience, and then we respond/react. In order to learn to respond rather than react, we need to put a little bit of space between the emotional experience and action. This may be easier said than done, and takes some effort to be able to grow that space in order to have a more appropriate response.
“Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.”
Techniques to Respond Rather than React
The techniques below aim to help you in several ways. First, you can learn to be mindful and present with what is going on in your experience. By recognizing what is present, we begin to slow down and see this process unfolding. Mindfulness allows us the opportunity to see the emotional experience and recognize what is happening.
Pausing is the next step. Once we notice we are having a strong emotional experience, we create a pause. If our habit is to react, learning to pause takes a fair amount of effort and practice. It won't happen overnight. This pause before reacting allows us to move onto the next step and choose our respones more wisely.
After pausing, we engage in reflection and recognition. We explore the experience a little more deeply, understand what is occurring, and make a wiser choice about how to respond in the given situation. We reflect on the experience and recognize what emotions, thoughts, and habitual patterns of reaction are present.
Finally, we choose how to respond. We can't just jump straight to choosing how to respond if we don't create space by being mindful, pausing, and reflecting. It's these steps that allow us the chance to choose how to respond. As we consider our options in how we respond, there are many things we can look at. More on this in a bit!
Mindfulness of Body
One of the best ways to begin this process is to practice mindfulness of the body. The body is always with us, and serves as a great way to arrive in the present moment. We can practice mindfulness of the body in general in order to help us practice in the moment of a stimulus. When something activates us, some mindfulness practice gives us the ability to recognize what is happening.
We can work with the breath, do body scan meditations, or perhaps a form of mindful moving meditation. With some regular mindfulness practice, it becomes easier and easier to recognize what is happening in those difficult moments. Research has found that mindfulness based stress reduction increases "response latency." This is the term used in psychology to describe the time between the stimulus and response.
My recommendation is to incorporate some form of mindfulness of the body into your daily life. Make it a regular part of your day. Start with a body scan, a great introductory way to explore mindfulness of the body. Get to know your physical experience more deeply.
The 2P and 4P Framework
The 2P and 4P system is really an overall framework for learning to move from reaction to response. When we react, we use the 2P's: There's a stimulus, we panic, and we proceed. There's no space there. It's a bit of an automated response, and we may feel like we lose free will. Reacting automatically, we aren't able to engage deliberately and move forward with mindfulness.
Instead, we can use the 4P's: There's a stimulus, we pause, we process, we plan, then we proceed. With the 4P's, we are just describing the process of responding rather than reacting. We come to understand what is occurring, pause, make a plan in how to respond, and then proceed. In the moment when we experience something difficult, we can use this framework of the 2P's and 4P's to remind ourselves to add in the extra steps.
Personally, I use this as a bit of a mantra or reminder. When I am worked up, I focus on the 4P's and try to intentionally do them. I pause by taking a few breaths or bringing my awareness to my body. Then I process the experience by recognizing what is present (affect labeling, the next section, is a great way to do this), I then reflect on what may be useful in this moment both for me and the other person, and then I proceed. Just reflecting on these steps often helps us create a little space, and gives us some structure.
Affect Labeling
Affect labeling is the psychology term for what I would call mental noting in Buddhism and meditation. With affect labeling, we simply note what is present in our emotional experience. It may be as simple as "anger," "confused," or "hurt." The simplicity of this helps us in the step of processing or recognizing what is present.
Research from a series of UCLA studies has suggested that individuals who label their emotions have significantly less stress and better emotional control. People giving impromptu speeches were instructed to label their emotions, while the control group was not instructed to do so. Those who labeled their negative emotions were found to be in responsive mode rather than reaction mode, leading to stress reduction and more ease.
Again, mindfulness can help immensely here. Affect labeling calls for us to really tune into our present-time experience. We may notice the physical sensations in the body as emotions are present or the emotional experience in the mind. Mindfulness of body can help aid this, as can a mindfulness of the mind practice.
Wise Speech
As we move into the planning or choosing stage of learning to respond, we can consider the practice of wise speech. Speaking wisely means speaking in a way that causes minimal harm to ourselves and others. When we have paused and have the opportunity to reflect and plan, we can choose to speak in a way that supports ourselves and others.
Some guidelines I use for myself and with my students in regards to wise speech are:
Is it true?
Is it kind?
Is it useful?
Is it timely?
When we choose how we respond, we can reflect on these aspects to see how useful the response is. Maybe right now isn't the right time to say what you want to say and it's not timely. Perhaps it's best to let it go and bring up a grievance at another moment when everybody is calm. Although we may have something kind and useful to say, the moment is not always appropriate, especially if it people are worked up or activated.
In reflecting on kindness, we can consider whether our words are hurtful or not. Sometimes we react to being hurt ourselves by lashing out at the other person or people. Instead, we can make an effort to speak with kindness and not bring others down.
Truth is fairly straightforward. Lying is not useful in general, and speaking the truth goes a long way in helping us keep a clear conscience.
And finally, we have usefulness. I like to think of usefulness in regards to the outcome. If you say X, what is the desired or likely outcome? Will saying Y be a better option? We should aim to orient ourselves toward lessening the suffering, communicating openly, and supporting both ourselves and others. If your instinct is to say something that will lead to a bigger fight, less closure, or less understanding, bite your tongue and keep reflecting!
Emotional Control in Therapy
One of the many things therapy can help with is emotional control, or regulating emotions. A trained therapist or counselor can help you pause and reflect by understanding your specific experience through situation assessment and offering personalized suggestions and practices.
With the help of a therapist or counselor, we can learn more effective communication throguh emotional awareness and regulation. This may not be absolutely necessary for everyone, but can help many individuals learn to stop reacting and begin responding.
Integrating Various Techniques
Finally, to wrap it all up, we often need to integrate various techniques in order to progress with this issue. We can't just set the intention to respond and hope it all goes better. We incorporate some mindfulness of the body, some reflection of wise speech, and perhaps some crisis intervention where we take a breath or a break from the conversation when we are truly activated.
There isn't one answer or technique that will "fix" us. It takes a holistic approach, really looking at our experience and trying new things. What clicks for you and helps you may not help me. Be open to exploring and investigating, and recognize when something is working for you or not!