Couples Meditations: Building a Conscious, Connected Relationship
We think of meditation as something most often done alone. But for people in relationships, a couples meditation practice can help strengthen awareness, communication, connection, and compassion.
There are many ways for couples to practice together. I’ll cover a few of my favorite couples meditations here, some general suggestions for practice together, and why each practice works.
Why Practice Together
My partner and I have incorporated couples meditations into our relationship for over ten years. We’ve found it to be an integral part of our connection and practice together. In addition, we both in our individual work have incorporated some form of these meditations and practices with students and clients.
Through our personal experience and our experience with others, we’ve found these practices to be incredibly powerful in building connection, fostering mindful communication, and cultivating understanding rather than judgement. Couples meditations may not “fix” every issue in a relationship, but practicing together lays a strong foundation.
Research into mindfulness in relationships has found a few interesting benefits:
Increased partner acceptance - A 2018 study found that those who practiced some form of mindfulness experienced an increase in partner acceptance. This is the choice to embrace a partner in acceptance, creating safety, trust, and intimacy.
Improved conflict resolution - A 2019 study found that mindfulness-based interventions significantly helped couples with conflict resolution and emotional regulation.
Relationship and life satisfaction - Research in 2017 found that mindfulness practice was closely correlated with satisfaction both in one’s relationship and personal life.
Closeness - Finally, a study from 2004 found that mindfulness interventions were associated with perceived closeness in the relationship. It also found mindfulness to be correlated with higher relationship satsifaction, personal autonomy, and partner acceptance.
Meditations for Couples
Here are six of my favorite ways to practice meditation as a couple. For more ideas on mindfulness-based exercises in relationships, you can check out my post 5 Mindfulness Activities for Couples to Do Together. I will include written instructions for each practice, as well as a video or guided meditation to support your practice.
Out Loud Noting
This is a purely mindfulness-based practice that we love. It is a foundation practice in external mindfulness, or learning to be mindful of others. Rooted in the practice of insight meditation, it involves noting what is going on in your experience.
For the person speaking, the practice is to simply note what you are aware of. For the partner who is listening, you are called to simply listen mindfully without response. This practice helps build connection and understanding by illuminating the way in which we both experience life.
Before beginning, you’ll want to choose one partner to go first. You both will have an opportunity to both speak and listen. Sit facing one another at eye level. Choose an amount of time and get your timer ready. If it is your first time, start with about two minutes per person.
I recommend starting with a minute or two of settling with eyes closed. Allow yourself some space to arrive in the present moment.
When ready, open your eyes. The first partner can begin noting whatever is arising in your experience. Anything goes. Wherever your attention is drawn, just note out loud what is happening. You might watch the video below for examples and to understand how this looks.
When the time is up, switch partner roles and continue in this fashion.
Metta for Couples
Metta, or loving-kindness, is the practice of extending goodwill toward ourselves and others. With loving-kindness, we care for the wellbeing and happiness of our partners. In general, this is an important piece of meditation practice. When it comes to relationships, loving-kindness can be deeply connecting.
Below is a guided metta meditation for couples you can use. When you’ve done the practice a few times and understand it clearly, you might consider practicing in silence without guidance. This practice is a combination of silent and out-loud metta.
Out-Loud Loving-Kindness
This is another way to practice loving-kindness as a couple. Rather than sitting with eyes closed and in silence to begin, you just offer phrases of loving-kindness to your partner. I recommend setting a timer for about 90 seconds each. When you are the one offering the phrases of loving-kindness, try to be present with your intention to care for your partner.
When you are on the receiving end, allow yourself to simply receive the loving-kindness. Notice any discomfort, love, or whatever other emotion arises. Try to rest in a combination of external mindfulness of your partner and internal mindfulness of how the phrases are landing.
Gratitude Meditation
Gratitude is an important quality to cultivate in relationships. We can cultivate appreciation for our partners, the relationship in general, and individual memories and qualities. Below is a guided gratitude meditation for couples. This is a practice we’ve found useful in working with couples over the years, and incorporate into our own relationship as well.
Dyads
One of my favorite ways to meditate as a couple is through the practice of dyads. This fits somewhere between a meditation and a mindfulness activity, but I’m including it here because it can be quite meditative. Put simply, dyad practices are a mindfulness-based form of communication in which we practice both listening and speaking.
You can read my full post on dyads here to understand the practice more deeply. The basic idea is Partner A will ask a question and Partner B will answer. Once the question has been answered, Partner A will ask the question once again. This repeats until the time is up, and then roles are switched.
I recommend reading the aforementioned post, and watching the video below. This is truly one of my favorite meditation practices for couples, and can be adapted for a variety of different topics.
Loving Presence Meditation
The loving presence meditation is a practice for couples that covers both compassion and appreciative joy. It is a silent practice that can be done in about five to ten minutes. As with all of the couples meditations here, you’ll want to sit facing one another at eye level to start. You don’t need to prepare anything before starting.
Below are the written instructions, but for the best understanding of the practice, I really recommend watching the video and trying the practice.
Close your eyes and begin with just a minute of settling and arriving where you are.
Bring to mind some joy you’ve had recently, however big or small. Rest in awareness of how it feels to truly experience this feeling.
Both partners open their eyes. Look at your partner and recognize they are currently holding joy in their heart in this moment. With the intention to show up for their experience, offer a phrase of appreciative joy silently in your head, such as “I’m happy that you’re happy.”
Close your eyes once again. Rest in some awareness of how it felt to both offer appreciation for your partner and receive it.
Next, bring to mind a way in which you’ve struggled or suffered recently.
Open your eyes, and recognize that your partner has pain and difficulty. Offer a phrase of compassion silently in your head, such as “I care about your suffering.”
Finally, close the eyes and take a moment to recognize the connection that has just happened. You showed up for one another’s joy and sorrow.
Suggestions for Practice
These couples meditations can be confusing, uncomfortable, and vulnerable. In order to get the most out of the practices, here are a few tips to keep in mind.
Be Regular
The first time you meditate with your partner, it may be uncomfortable. One of the best things you can do is practice consistently. As you practice more regularly, vulnerability and honesty will come more easily. Furthermore, if you make it a normal part of your weekly schedule, you will build the habit of carving out time specifically for connection, mindfulness, and compassion.
Keep it Light
Take the practice seriously, but don’t overdo it. If you or your partner is uncomfortable, remembering to keep it light can be helpful. Practicing is what’s important. Don’t fish for depth that isn’t accessible for you in this moment. No matter how deep or light-hearted the session is, you still are communicating with one another and cultivating connection.
Don’t Fix
It can be difficult to truly respond rather than react during some of these practices. You might feel the need to address something your partner said or fix their experience. We use the 24-hour rule in our relationship. If you want to respond to something your partner said, pause and leave it for a day. If it is still on your mind, ask your partner if you can bring it up.
Reflect After the Session
I recommend taking a little bit of time to reflect after meditating together. You might just take a few minutes to let everything settle. I’m a big fan of mindfulness journaling in general for many things, and this is a great place to utilize a few moments of writing meditation. This period of reflection can help us process the experience.
Personal Practice
One of the greatest ways you can support mindfulness and compassion in your relationship is by building a personal practice. If either or both of you can meditate regularly, it will make the couples meditations sessions much more natural. And the couples practices will help support your individual practices!
Further Support
If you have any questions about any of these practices or want support in some way, you can find both my email and WhatsApp on my contact page. I am here to support you. If you are interested in mindfulness-based couples counseling or coaching, I recommend reading my post What You’ll Learn in Mindful Couples Counseling.
Finally, I have an online course specifically for couples wishing to bring mindfulness and compassion to their relationship. This new course is the revamped version of our original Practice for Two course from 2015. I co-lead the course with my partner, Elizabeth, who is a licensed marriage and family therapist.
Matthew Sockolov is a Buddhist meditation teacher who trained at Spirit Rock Meditation Center in Woodacre, California. Completing the Dharma Leader training program in 2017, Matthew was given power to teach in the Insight Meditation tradition by Jack Kornfield, Kittisaro, Thanissara, and others. You can learn more about Matthew here.